Fatal Fear

 Fatal Fear 

 It is 40 years since that incident, rather an accident took place. Today I am missing my brother very much. I have come to Delhi, my old city, after more than 20 years, as a guest in a marriage in the family of inlaws of my son. My heart missed beats when I saw that the marriage hall was at the same place where there was a very large bungalow 40 years back which was hired for the marriage of my brother; but in the place of taking the new sister in law to home, we took brother back to home, only on shoulders, carried by four persons in his last bed.

I, Urmi, am the third child of my parents, the only girl after two boys. Since they were elders, I used to call them Eldy and Mac. There was only one person, whom I used to address just "brother". He was the youngest of the two sons of the elder brother of my father. He was elder to me by 13-14 years but was my best friend, my guide, and also my teacher. It would have been rare incidences if I had been to their house with my parents, and did not stay overnight. There had been incidents also when I went to their house with full planning to stay there overnight but finding that Brother was not there, changed my plan to stay. Conversely, even whenever brother came to our house, he would also stay overnight and we would keep on chatting long hours. The relationship was not merely cousin, it was a very close brother & sister relation, on of confidence, trust, and guidance.

My eldest brother, Eldy, got married in due course, and after that our house started experiencing a lack of peace and harmony. Brother also used to work somewhere and used to remain out of the city very frequently. After graduating from college, I too joined some company and tried to keep busy myself. With the passage of time, every family was interested in building their houses. My parents and the parents of brother ended up building houses in different corners of the big city called Delhi and the frequent visit to each others' house stopped. Still, the brother would come to our house two-three times every month and I will also go to their house once in three-four months. Whenever I went there, always stayed back, sometimes longer than the weekend. In those days, I and the brother might end up chatting the entire night with my aunt coming in frequently and scolding us for keeping awake. This scolding was also something we enjoyed, and aunt also. 

While we were still carrying on with the lack of peace in our house, the eldest son of my uncle, (eldest brother of The Brother) got married. After a lot of internal fights, arguments, and calling names, he separated from the family. His sisters also got married and with the passage of some time, everyone started asking Brother to get married, but he kept on refusing to. He had a straight jacket answer to all pressures, which boy and boy's family got peace on the marriage of the son of the family. His parents, my parents, and all relatives and friends used to pester him for marriage and he started getting irritated. Sometimes he would come to my house, stay for long hours, and said that he feels afraid of going home as he does not know when on what issue, heated arguments will start at home on his not agreeing to marry. 

One day he surrendered in front of all elders. That day, he came to our house in the evening and told me, "Urmi, all of them have forced me to say yes, but I pray to God to stop my marriage. It may rather be the end of my life as well." I knew his fears as he wanted to have peace in the family with all elders being respected. I told him, "Brother, why are you so tense. When you have the principle of your life, your wife also will agree to observe those ideals. It is not that all girls are problem creators. We, your sisters are also here, and we do respect elders."

My parents and his parents actively looked for the girl. The process of introduction of the boy and the girl was completed, and a simple engagement also took place. However, Brother never ever tried to meet his fiancee even once. He was accepting more and more work in his office and was drowning himself in his office work. If he was asked to do something concerning marriage, he would do it but as if it was a routine. He, who was normally a talkative and cheerful person changed very fast, becoming a serious one, withdrawing himself from all slowly. Sometime someone will chide him, saying there was no need for distancing from friends and relatives, he could do it well after marriage to dedicate himself to his wife. At another time, we, his sisters and mother will tell him not to be so tense all the time, saying when he did not wish bad for others, he will also not face bad things. I understood him and will chide him, another time chat with him, pull his leg, try to make him laugh. Would act as his sister, sometimes as a mother and advise, and another time as his daughter and raise my demands, only to see him smiling, to divert his attention from his tension. 

A big bungalow was taken on rent by the bride party, they were from some other city which I do not remember, and were staying in a hotel near to the bungalow. we were scheduled to reach the bungalow and put up in a portion of that for freshening up. At around six in the afternoon, I, with Brother and his two more sisters reached the place in a car. Sisters, who were elder to him, went upstairs and asked me to be with the brother on the ground floor for some time. On the ground floor, there was a sunken floor portion very nicely furnished with carpets, sofa, and center tables. I had been with him since morning and he told to me more than once that he had made a mistake by agreeing to marry. He even told it was the end of his life. I had been chiding, kidding, talking to him throughout the day. There was a rule of not leaving the groom alone on the day of marriage, and I also was aware of his stress and was trying to release the stress. Both of us went near that sunken place having the seating arrangement. I held his hand and pulled him towards that, "brother, let us sit here. Se, the sofa is so nice, and the three stairs are also so nicely made."

I was walking and talking, repeated this thing thrice but he did not reply. When I reached near the stairs, I felt that his hands were getting cold. I looked at him and it was a shocking sight. It appeared that someone had drained his blood out, and he was totally dehydrated. I got afraid, still told him, "What happened brother, please come, let us sit here." He replied in a total dry whispering voice, "Urmi, they have made perfect plan to kill me. See the depth, this place is so deep, once I jump into it, I will die. Urmi, even if I die, you will have to live, you will live. I will not allow you to go inside this deep gorge, the carpet and sofa are the only mirages, both of us will die. You should live, Urmi, you should live."

I was perplexed, totally confused. Did not know how to react. I walked down the stairs, holding his hand, and wanted to tell him, "Look brother, it is only this one, look I am safe." He started shouting at me, "Why you are not listening to me, why you are walking to die only, why, come back, if you want, let me try it first, but I know it is a gorge." And repeating his fear, his words, with a confused me with tears in my eyes with no idea how to deal with it, he climbed down the stairs, and suddenly tripped, fell on the carpeted floor, and became still. 

I shouted at top of my voice, bent on him, calling him, calling at top of my voice, shrieking. Hearing my shrieks, sisters came down, and some other persons, including a couple of relatives, also came running. Brother was lying still on the carpet. One of the relatives was a medical practitioner. He murmured, "Oh my God, he is dead". He called his driver, they together picked up Brother and took him away. Everyone was shocked. I had heard the murmur of the relative doctor and kept on shrieking, crying loudly. I was pulled into the room, sisters were also escorted. It was mayhem. After around two hours, that doctor relative came, escorted by two policemen. I was the first person they sought to speak as I was the last one with Brother. Their question was, "From how many floors did he jumped to suicide, or did someone pushed him to death?" I was uncontrollable and do not know whether I was able to speak to them. What we could understand that his hip joints were severely fractured, along with some other bones which resulted in massive cardiac arrest. 

I remember only one thing, I was taken to the hospital by parents and the hospital gave me an injection to force me to sleep as I was hysterical and uncontrollable.

I was released out of the hospital in two days. Brother's body was released also after two days after performing post mortem as this was an unnatural death for the law. I do not know what happened to the bride's family, I never asked anyone about that. Went to the last ceremony to Brother's house and after that, I almost stopped going there. I could not recover from the shock for a long time, and realize even after 40 years, though it was probably concealed to some extent by time. 

After around five years, I left Delhi on my marriage and never went back to the city. Now I am here, back to the city, and back to the exact place where I lost my Brother, my best friend, 40 years ago. 40 year, the bungalow was missing, missing were the parents, mine as also Brother's, missing were the relatives, several cousins, but the pain which was concealed for many years got uncovered, the drops again started raining from the eyes, but shrieks were missing. I had to wipe my eyes myself. 

I am remembering Brother, he used to tell me, Urmi, we should live our lives ourselves only. We should wipe our tears ourself. The biggest relation in the world is with parents, then with siblings. But the most fortunate were those who can get into relationship of the sort who are not parents, not same blood siblings, but who are the mixture of these relations, on whose shoulders, when we rest our head, we can get the peace, peace and only peace. 

And this was my Brother, who left me suddenly.  I had asked many people in as to how bones can break in a body without any fall or accident. It was only a psychologist who told me that the mind is the most powerful thing in the world, it can do anything in the body. And it can even break bones of its own body, though such a thing can happen only one in a million. 

But there is no reason as to why only my Brother has to be that one in a million.

😭😭

8 September 2020